


Community Calendar, Intern op. 1

by silveradept



Series: Night Vale Intern Opuses [1]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Fandom Snowflake Challenge, Gen, Night Vale Community Radio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-15 04:39:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5771656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/pseuds/silveradept
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cecil's away petting Khoshekh, someone has to step up to the microphone and do the Community Calendar to appease the Station Management.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Community Calendar, Intern op. 1

"Hello, listeners. Um, it seems like Cecil isn't back from his petting session with Khoshekh, the cat that's still floating in the men's bathroom, and station management is sounding very irritated that they can't sell their advertising spots as quickly and thoroughly as they want, so I guess it falls to me to sit down at the microphone and try to make a little magic. I'm......not going to say my name, since just thinking about it just caused the station management office door to display a sigil that looked unmistakably like a threat to move on, unless I liked having my entrails removed from my body and then used as the City Council's holiday decorations. I'm an intern here at Night Vale Community Radio, and this, I guess, is the Community Calendar."

"A-hem. Monday is scheduled for the Apocalypse of Saint Bernard. Night Vale will experience a rain of adorable domestic animals, with fluffy coats, fuzzy features, and a vicious killer instinct. Citizens approaching the domestic animals will be eviscerated. The Sheriff's Secret Police are looking for volunteers to help them herd the domestic animals to the dog park. If you are chosen, the Secret Police will contact you by dragging you out of your home during the rain."

"The City Council would also like to remind you that dogs are only provisionally allowed in the dog park. People are not allowed in the dog park. Personally, I don't see the point of having one of you can't go in, but I'm told the Hooded Figures use it to keep the town safe from...things, so I suppose that's okay."

"Tuesday is the Apocalypse of Saint Basil. Night Vale will be flooded with waves upon waves of detectives, investigators, sleuths, old women who write mysteries, and meddling kids. The Sheriff's Secret Police will employ street sweepers, helicopters, and volunteers to herd the deluge of people into their proper home in Radon Canyon, where they will be able to attempt solving the greatest mystery of all - life. That sounds kind of grisly. Couldn't we do something more humane with them, like sacrifice them at Eternal Scout ceremonies?"

"Wednesday is a time correction day. You will feel like you have had this experience before, but you will be unable to pinpoint exactly why. Don't worry about the why, and instead try to right previous wrongs or get yourself out of any pesky time loops."

"Thursday is a figment of your imagination. Pay no attention to it, and it will eventually go away."

"Friday is a time correction day. You will feel like you have had this experience before, but you will be unable to pinpoint exactly why. Don't worry about the why, and instead try to right previous wrongs or get yourself out of any pesky time loops."

"Saturday is the day when the heavens open and things of unspeakable beauty rain down on civilization. That is, if you are part of the underground civilization currently living under the pin retrieval area of Lane 5 of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. For the rest of us, the City Council reminds you that Saturday is Earthquake Preparedness Day and that there will be several drills with real earthquakes to ensure all citizens are fully compliant with Council Ordnance 23-B."

"This has been...what's this? Listeners, I am informed by a note on the desk that Station Management has enacted a policy that declares no interns are allowed to broadcast over the air, for...insurance purposes. Any interns violating this policy will proceed directly to termination."

"Well. No wonder this station keeps losing interns. I'm going to talk with Cecil about this. Maybe that will finally pull him away from the cat. Since I'm already in trouble enough as it is, and I've always wanted to say this, I will take you to...

"...The Weather."


End file.
